matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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