you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
