Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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