I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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