I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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