You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize