Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
