I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
