Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
