i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
