I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
