we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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