i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
