So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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