ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
