Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
