ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
