took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Please don't give away my fajitas
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
