I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
