i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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