After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize