Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize