Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
