That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
