Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Boobs speak an international language.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
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