My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
