True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
