He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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