Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
