I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
