Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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