My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
