I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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