I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
