God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
