somebody snuck up and got me drunk
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
