If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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