I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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