it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
