I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
