You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
