you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
