im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We don't watch enough power rangers
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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