Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
