I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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