i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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