i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
