Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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