I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
These tits shall not be calmed
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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