I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
