You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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