I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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