He told me they were just razor bumps!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
