So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
