just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
