i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
